I'm a terrible mess. In every way imaginable. I realize this everyday when I wake up later than I want to, nap longer than I need to, and go to sleep later than I should, all the while getting very little done in the precious moments between. More than anything, my life is not always a reflection of the longing I have for God. I don't read my bible like I should or pray like I want to. And that's just the surface stuff. In the Psalms, David CONSTANTLY talks about meditation. As for me, just, nah.
I don't want to be like this forever, and frankly, I can't afford to. My family, my community, my sanity needs me to be filled with Jesus, cuz without him, I'm a bubbling mess of bitterness, vanity, pride, and greed. So, I'm currently studying the book Disciplines of a Beautiful Woman by Anne Ortlund to help guide me in this venture to get more of Jesus. In the chapter one study questions, Ortlund asks us to reflect on what our lives would look like if we had more of Jesus. I gave the absolute longest answer thinkable in my journal. I basically wrote an essay on how my life would be different if I had more of Jesus. Everything would be different from the inside out. The same cannot be said if I had more money, or more free time, or even more "happiness". My entire world would shift into some amazing extraterrestrial place of glory and truth. Something I can't even imagine.
So I sat and thought about what it means to have more of God. It's a weird phrase. I mean to have God, as if he is something to be possessed, kinda freaks me out linguistically. As a believer, I understand that we have EVERYTHING we need to live holy lives and are FILLED with the Spirit, who is God. So if I am already filled, what does it mean to get more?!?!
As I prayed about what this means, the Spirit brought to mind the very short story of Anna, the prophetess. After a very short marriage that left her widowed, she spent her life in prayer. She would be in the temple day and night in the face of the Lord, hearing from Him and delighting in Him. Such delight left her so filled with wonder that anyone who she encountered was encouraged. These Jews, who were waiting for the redemption promised to them, found hope in the countenance and declarations of this woman who stayed in God's face. Who always had her entire person devoted to receiving whatever the Lord was giving her in that moment. She was always receiving more of God!
I'm not Anna. I have a full time job, a husband, two rambunctious children, and a host of other commitments. But my ultimate commitment is to God. It is to stay in His face. It is to always seek Him. In every moment. To practice a life of prayer that includes private, public, walking, written, silent, screaming, weeping, running, cooking, living, and every other kind of prayer you can think of. It is to keep my ears, mind, and body open to whatever God is giving me in every moment, and to give that to whoever stands before me, seeking redemption. I don't need more time, or money for this to happen. I only need a willing heart.
I want more of God, and He is waiting to give Himself to me.