Updated: Nov 4, 2019
I originally wrote this post a while ago. It still matters because I still struggle, and God is still faithful, despite my unfaithfulness.
I have always been into journaling. Over the years I have slowed but never stopped. Today I decided to venture into my old journals because I have a question I need to answer.
For a long time now I have battled with insecurity about my past sexual sin. I have felt doomed to a life of unhappiness and insecurity because I had sex outside of marriage. I also felt as if this was a new phenomenon, as if I always had confidence in the fact that I was deserving of a man who would cherish me, pursue me, honor me, and love me the way they should as a brother in Christ. I simply could not have always battled this unbelief in a redeeming Saviour who would restore my confidence, satisfaction, and security in Him so much so that if and when a man did decide to love me, I would be able to receive and return it without fear. At some point, even after losing my virginity in December 2010 in a way that I wouldn't wish on an enemy, I had to have experienced a sustained amount of joy and confidence in the purity imputed to me by the righteousness of Christ.
I found out this was not the case. This journal entry is from February 15, 2011. Two years before the day I found out I was pregnant with my first child. One day after Valentine's Day. I remember that day. I remember that time. In hindsight it was a beautiful season. Freshman in college, brothers in Christ who bought all the girls flowers and serenaded us in pure love and honor, Jubilee Singer, experiencing the beauty of forgiveness from Jesus and my peers after disgracing myself, good grades, scholarships pouring in, youth, and I still had a pre-baby body! But in reading these journal entries I still see an idiot girl who longed for intimacy in relationship with a man. Who played with fire by being friends with guys who were not believers and obviously did not care for my purity. And I clearly say in the picture above that I lack confidence in Christ willingness and ability to provide a good man for me because of my lack of commitment to my personal purity. So contrary to my euphoria, and contrary to my belief that I've been made to feel this way by others who try to convince me that I am the whore of Babylon, my insecurity is from me. Its from me continually believing the lie that God has not redeemed me. Now I absolutely don't excuse those people who have verbally and mentally degraded me because they agree with these notions, but at the end of the day, my own sin has bound me to sin. I haven't believed God has redeemed me physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually from the stain of sexual sin. Once I begin to do that I will experience the freedom and joy that I so desperately long for.
This is not a post about how God has already delivered me or how I've already conquered this giant in my life. This is a confession of my belief in the continued deliverance from the Lord. He is not through yet. I may be in emotionally dark times and probably have been inconsistently for years but one day I will be in heaven. No sin, no pain, no tears. Be encouraged. You are not alone. You are worth the wait, even if you didn't wait. Male or female. You are forgiven and free and loved.