I haven’t written anything in a while. And this is where it all began. She.Unapologetic was always meant to be a literary outlet before anything else. A public journal of sorts. I’ve always loved journaling. It’s been central to my life. I process my experiences through creative writing, recording prayers, documenting experiences and emotions, reading them back to myself. The Bible tells us to “Remember the wondrous works that he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he uttered.” And as someone who suffers from memory lapses due to childhood trauma, remembering can be a struggle. I journal because I need to remember every high and low and remain grateful for where I am and how I got here.
Now, I will share some of these stories with you. Stories that are still being written and unfolded before me. Stories I've wanted to share for my entire life, but couldn't. Because I was afraid. Because I was trying to protect people who weren't protecting me. Because I didn't want to ruin the future I had planned.
But that's done. I'm no longer living in fear.
These are my raw (slightly edited to protect some identities) feelings. You are free to have an opinion about them. You are free to share an opinion, good or bad. I’m not afraid of confrontation. Just remember that we are all human. The complexities I portray are just as real for you as they are for me. Thank you for going on this journey with me.
October 31, 2016
Sometimes I think back to the day I found out I was pregnant with Liz (and CJ) and get sad. I also become disappointed in myself because I see how much media has influenced me. I expected him to respond to me like Dwayne did Whitley, but all I got was a high five like I just passed a test or something. A good job. While laying in bed. Didn’t even sit up to acknowledge me. Nearly a year later and it still bothers me. Maybe I shouldn’t keep listening to this Frank Ocean album. Its kinda is putting me in my feelings. I just wanna feel special. Whether I make myself feel that way or someone else. I want to feel beautiful. I want that beauty to not be connected to any particular physical attribute. I want that beauty to connect souls and not (first/only) body. I want the deep parts of me to be desirable. I want to be explored in delight. I want my mind, my thoughts, my desires, my dreams, my goals to be treated like a treasure to be sought after instead of a dead carcass to dissect; touching enough to damage me without staining you, turning away in disgust at what may be found. I want genuine questions and inquiry. Not accusatory probing. I want romance and tenderness. But this forces me to ask myself:
AM I WORTH IT?!?
I look at my sin. I see the filth in my heart. There is little beauty there to be discovered. Little treasure there to be excavated. Why would anyone want to draw near to a heart of thorns, a mouth that throws spears, a mind that’s a jumble of confusion and pain and indecisiveness. Who am I? I’m certainly not who I used to be but I’m definitely not what I always dreamed of. Not even close. But my dreams were small in comparison to what God has. Always has been. That still doesn’t account for the fact that I hate (sometimes) what I’ve become. I’m prideful, bitter, angry, unforgiving, critical, lazy, and all around not enjoyable. I don’t want to be like this. I want to change. The answer, Oh God, is in your Word. In your Word alone do I find my value. God cleanse me of the filth in my heart. Every moment I need you to help define me. Even now, the enemy seeks to get me to lose focus. He wants me to see myself the way the world and others and myself have defined me. And to reject the truth of your Word. Your Word, only Your Word tells me who I am and how I should live and believe. I believe You God. I believe You. My thoughts need to be trained in You. I am Yours. Christ covers me. Jesus I need you.
In Your Name,
Amen
July 12, 2023
Dear 2016 Sabrina,
The new mother of two,
Married almost 2 years,
Trying to finish grad school and failing,
Buried with debt,
Self conscious about your postpartum body,
Longing for the days when life will be easier,
When you will be loved in the way you’ve always longed,
Struggling to navigate your understanding of Biblical womanhood and Blackness, and your experiences,
Living under the weight of others’
expectations and dreams for you,
Identifying yourself according to your sins and tragedies,
YOU’RE RIGHT.
You are all the terrible things you listed and more.
There is filth in your heart.
Your words tend to cause a lot of harm.
Your money choices destroyed opportunities.
Still does.
BUT
There is treasure there.
In your heart.
For every sin you harbor,
there is an eternity of grace and goodness.
The love you desire is within reach,
and it is yours to give
first to yourself,
then to the world.
There are people who enjoy you
delight in you
just the way you are.
They get excited when you come around.
They feel peace in your presence.
They find healing in the vibrato of your voice.
They want only good things for you.
And you can have them.
You are able to heal
and grow
and thrive.
AND even on your worst days, you are worthy.
You are worthy of celebration. They should throw you a party or host a dinner or buy you flowers or whatever you like. And I mean real celebration. A standing ovation. Screams. Jump up and down. Confetti. Publicly and privately.
You are worthy of intimacy. Long hugs. Scalp massages. Deep conversations where your disagreements are met with understanding and open mindedness. Being heard. Being thought of. Being desired. Not just physically. But in the monotony. They should assume the best about you. The best intentions, even when they're hurt. Your ideas should be treasured. Your mind and the way it works should be valued. Not changed to conform. Your fears should be excavated with care and held gently. You should be prayed with. Prayed for. Often. Your faults and your sins can be forgiven. TRULY. Yes. They should see you with rose colored glasses.
You're worthy of support. Your goals should be respected. Your habits in reaching the goals should be encouraged, even if it inconveniences those around you. Your dreams should be applauded. You should get help making them come true. You should be held accountable without being degraded. You should not have to carry the load alone. They should honor your word, and their own toward you. They should deliver on what they communicate.
When you get lazy, you're worthy.
When you're being unkind, you're worthy.
When you are too much or not enough, you're worthy.
When you spent your last dollar, you're worthy.
When you ain't lovin' yourself like you should, you're worthy.
When it feels like you've lost hope, you're worthy.
When you don't know who you are, you're worthy.
I love you.
.
