This is not the blog I was supposed to post today. This is not what I felt compelled to write about. What I wanted to share was vulnerable, dangerous even. Not just for me, but for those associated with me. I knew that when I wrote it, but I didn't care. Not because I don't care for others. Not because I wish to embarrass those I love. But there are some things you just can't discuss until the struggle is over. Don't get me wrong. I have absolutely no problem being vulnerable and open with the world. I would love for you all to share in my struggles as I experience them. I believe there is grace and power in allowing people to walk with you through the test, so they can shout with you during the testimony. However, everyday I am reminded that my life isn't just about me. The things I share here have implications for my family and friends. It affects those
I've known and those I have yet to meet. Our connectedness makes it challenging to share with the world things that could potentially affect other people. This is one of the reasons blogging has been so hard for me.
I'm not a fitness blogger. I'm not a lifestyle blogger. I'm not a book reviewer. I'm not a political commentator. I'm not a headline chaser. I'm not a fashion blogger. I am a storyteller. A seeker and a revealer. I am not concerned with what you think of me, nor am I concerned with any image I need to present besides my truest self. Sometimes, I'll say some really ignorant things. I have time to learn ,and I don't care about "cancel culture". I have made and will make many unfavorable decisions. It is the nature of being human. In the midst of all of this, my life is not my own, and I must consider the implications of sharing my truth with the world, especially because my truth is hardly ever about only me.
It will not be easy though. There are so many stories I've wanted to tell, but I held back. Battling my self-doubt and fear is hard enough. I struggle with my writing ability. I want to make sure I am communicating with concision and accuracy. I want to use language that helps my readers understand my struggle to the fullest extent. I struggle with knowing whether or not my thoughts are being received in the way I intend. Most days I struggle with whether my thoughts matter at all. The added pressure of figuring out the line between what is "appropriate" to share and what is not is a battle I don't have the energy to fight.
Out of respect for those I love, I'll be keeping it light for a while. Prayerfully, one day, I will be able to share who I really am and what I actually feel with the world. Until then, I'll write... something.
