Updated: Nov 4, 2019
Not even 2 days into a new year and I have already faced great disappointment. I have missed opportunities, experienced crushed dreams, and I broke my diet with a piece of cake this morning. It seems every year, we all sit and reflect, and make a list of goals for the following year. I start as early as mid-November, making my "New Year's resolutions", and trying to practice those habits as I create them. Don't ask me why I repeatedly and foolishly attempt to change up my life during the absolute most hectic time of year, because I wouldn't be able to tell you. What I do know is that I never make it far. This year, I decided to switch it up. Instead of adding a bunch of responsibilities to my already overwhelmed soul, I've decided to remove some things from my life this year, shedding burdens that I've carried for far too long. The psychology of freeing myself from some things feels better to me than that of loading my plate with more. So let's unload:
1. I do not resolve myself to trusting my own logic in pursuit of my goals.
I'd consider myself self-aware. I practiced mindfulness before I knew there was a word for it. I'm also a natural hustler. If I want it, I'm getting it my way. I'm also not that bright (though I am very talented), and can be unteachable at times. The way I approached what I wanted in life has always been centered on my own knowledge and experience. My own way of doing things has worked in many instances, but has failed me in ways I wish it hadn't. This year I want to learn more, not just acquiring more knowledge, but really soaking in the wisdom the world has to offer so that I can truly find what is best for me. Trusting in myself has only gotten me so far, but if I could grab myself from 10 years ago and give her some advice, I'd tell her to LISTEN, not just hear, if she truly wants success.
2. I do not resolve myself to procrastinating in fear of failure.
I'm an INTP, which basically means I'm stuck in the vortex of my own mind. This is what gets me into trouble every time. I will play out entire scenarios that lead to my demise. My brain is like a pick your own adventure, all with the same grim ending. Call me a cynic if you must, but this only applies when considering my own goals. By the time I've mustered the energy to climb out of the rat trap of my own mind, I've missed the great window of productivity, creativity, and usefulness I needed to get to the goal that I desired. I'm left procrastinating, which leads to less than desired results, which leads to a feeling of failure, which feeds my personal degradation. I'm sick of it. Leaving it in 2018.
3. I do not resolve to continued mediocrity in my craft.
Let's go back to that whole "unteachable" thing. I have a degree in English. I want to be a writer. In my head, my degree in English should qualify me as a good writer. I sang in a world-renown chorus for 4 years, in addition to 10 years of singing experience elsewhere. This should imply that my singing capability is at least above average. Simultaneously in my head is this feeling that my skills are subpar at best. So there is this struggle to rely on my developed skills as the means through which I will improve, while completely avoiding them because I hate reading my own writing and hearing my own voice. I'm not the best. I can admit that. I can also admit that I want to be the best. I want to be legendary, and I've come to grips with the fact that I might have to spend another decade being average before I emerge into the greatness I know I can achieve, but the longer I wait to begin that journey, the longer it will take for me to experience the glory. So I will write as much as I can until I like what I see, then I'll write more. I will sing for whoever wants to hear it, even if it's only Jesus.
4. I do not resolve to emotional consumption of any kind.
I love shopping. I love eating Chicago food. I love binge watching show. I love social media. I love alone time. And I hate that I love these things. Love is a powerful word. And admitting that I love these things says more about me than it does about those habits. I have a special attachment to each of these because they are the go-to when I am angry, or sad, or afraid, or bored. When I feel productive and prosperous, I am much less tempted to eat a footlong Italian Beef sandwich while watching hours of Grey's Anatomy. I am not picking up my phone every thirty seconds to find some sense of amusement. I want to allow all my emotions this year to drive me to His feet in praise and worship. I want to change the vocabulary of my heart. I want to enjoy shopping. I want to enjoy eating. I want to enjoy binge watching shows, and cruising social media. I want to enjoy the morsel of alone time I get. I want to love God and his people, starting with me.
What are your anti-resolutions?